Not one, but two podcasts featuring yours truly premiered today! Hope you listen to both in entirety, but if you want to skip around, I took the liberty of breaking down each episode for you below. Both The Dusty Futon and Unstarving Musician podcasts are wonderful supporters of local/indie music. Since I always get asked about my beginnings in the music industry, you'll see I talk about some similar topics, but the flavor of each show is totally different, which is what makes podcasts so cool! I definitely recommend subscribing and browsing some of their past episodes!
Dusty Futon
3:54 - When I Started Playing Music 8:06 - Coming Out/Getting Married Young/Therapy 10:05 - Cathryn Beeks/Listen Local San Diego 11:10 - "Surrogate" w/ Commentary 13:38 - Studio Studios/Alex Dausch 15:03 - Boxing 16:06 - Touring/Performing 17:00 - Multitasking 17:18 - Anxiety / Mental Health 19:20 - Winning a San Diego Music Award 21:50 - The Lovebirds 25:20 - "My Beast" w/ Commentary 30:10 - How I Started Playing Guitar / My Writing Process 35:07 - Music Influences 37:30 - Kleenex Jingles and Taxes 41:50 - "Rubber Band Gun" w/ Commentary (& Crying)
Unstarving Musician
4:50 - Amy & Gary's House Concerts
6:38 - When I Started Pursuing Music 8:22 - Side Hustles 10:40 - Basketball / Boxing 12:26 - More Side Hustles 14:30 - Rye Room Sessions / "Deep Dark Down" 16:20 - Studio Studios / Alex Dausch 20:13 - Tracks vs. Lights Out 22: 55 - Not Giving AF About Genres 24:23 - Gratitude Journaling / Anxiety / Insomnia 31:44 - From Central California to San Diego 34:00 - Basketball vs. Music / Music Therapy 36:20 - New Music / What's Next 37:27 - Writing Faster Than I Can Record 38:40 - Moving Past Grief / Raging Feminism 40:20 - Writing Routine / Songwriting Book Club 43:45 - Songwriting Groups / Peers 46:16 - Folk Festivals & House Concerts 47:30 - Tenacity, Patience, & Resilience 51:05 - Touring 54:38 - "Surrogate"
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This song was the near-immediate result of how icky I felt after a songwriting critique. Many kind things were said, but the recurring "critique" part of the exchange was that my songs lacked focused themes and clear/streamlined perspectives. All in all it was a mixed bag, but I walked away from the experience feeling a little bit misunderstood as a songwriter. It made me think a lot about compromise. What am I willing to budge on as an artist in order to "level up" in the industry? It's a tough question to chew on, especially since I've never written with that goal in mind. It's kind of like how no one goes to therapy or AA thinking that they're going to get anything out of it other than one more day of survival. But on the flip side, I've been trying to gain listeners and earn money with this gig for years. Am I willing to sacrifice what I cherish about the songwriting process in order to potentially grow my audience and effin' net worth for a change? I don't know. My gut tells me I'd rather be poor for the rest of my life than change the way I write. Not to be dramatic, but I might actually rather be dead. I value constructive criticism (especially when coming from women in the industry) but I kept thinking how my songwriting hero Bob Dylan would probably never be caught dead asking someone to critique his 11-minute songs featuring 20 different characters and abstract AF imagery. Anyway, this all got me thinking about my ego- sometimes protective, sometimes possessive. But always there. are you my friend
are you my enemy remember when you used to take good care of me lately you’ve been treating me unbearably ego, ego please let me know where did we go off track ego, ego you got my brain do you got my back are you Jekyll or Hyde it’s still not clear to me are you on my side or just tired of being near to me are you satisfied you got another tear from me ego, ego please let me know where did we go off track ego, ego you got my brain do you got my back we’re gonna have to make things right you gotta let me have a say cause we can’t keep having this fight and i can’t live this way ego, ego please let me know where did we go off track ego, ego you got my brain do you got my back This one was inspired by my recent cross-country tour. When I got home, I was feeling pretty discouraged about life, career, etc. Every time I get home from tour, I start to question everything. What am I even doing? Does anyone care? Why do I continue what feels like an abusive relationship with music? It took a couple days, but my perspective started to shift and I felt very lucky to have just been on this wonderful trip where I was able to meet new people, play new venues, and experience beautiful nature. I gave myself a little pep talk to remind myself what my late friend Jeffrey Joe used to tell me: "time takes time." I've been so into treating time as a thief over the last couple years, but I'm finally starting to turn a corner and see it as something that can help me heal and grow. I was recently told in a songwriting critique that the hook "Time is on the Way" wasn't very strong, but for the first time in in a very long time, time is becoming my friend again. It fills my heart and gives me hope to sing that phrase over and over again. I hope it gives you the same feeling. is the weight of the world wreaking its havoc
is the state of affairs so scary it hurts is that venomous voice in your head automatic just letting you have it making you feel like dirt baby you're the damn grand canyon baby you're a big great lake you got that majesty, that beauty you can see from outerspace all those tall sequoias they didn't grow in just one day you know a landmark kind of life takes time and time is on the way time is on the way carving marvels out of clay yeah time is on the way is the hardest part of your day in the morning turn on your phone, feel alone, and lament does the pressure you feel steal your breath without warning feel that furrowed brow forming making you feel irrelevant baby you're the damn grand canyon baby you're a big great lake you got that majesty, that beauty you can see from outerspace all those tall sequoias they didn't grow in just one day you know a landmark kind of life takes time and time is on the way time is on the way carving marvels out of clay yeah time is on the way time is on the way coming round to save the day so slow down, let it pave the way yeah time is on the way Thanks to the friendly folks at SD Voyager for interviewing me! Read the full article here.
Here's a little existential ditty I wrote while spending a few days of alone/quiet time in Oregon. After mom died, my sister and I would always text each other this question, half-serious, half-joking. I started thinking about that question and then it turned into a whole song's worth of questions on the topic. I still don't have the answer, but as my friend puts it: "It's a conundrum...but it beats the alternative." Lyrics:
1. Is it a wall is it a well, is it a building or a bridge? Sometimes it’s hard for me to tell what fucking structure even is Is it a snake in the grass, is it a flower in the weeds? What does it take, what does it ask, what does it give, what does it need? CHORUS What even is life? Just a place to live and die find someone to love and say goodbye? 2. Call me Godless call me faithless call me a sinner call me brainless Call me devil call me rival point to pages in your Bible Preach of gold up in the heavens, warn of flames that burn in hell Go head pretend to be an expert on shit you don’t know so well What even is life? Just a car you don’t know how to drive and you’ll never make it out alive? 3. Is it kind of arbitrary but a little bit on purpose? Time is precious and it’s scary but it’s make-believe and worthless Are we ignorant are we brilliant, are we fixed or are we fluid? Are we floating on forever are we rotting where we’re rooted? What even is life? Just a place that we call home to live together and die alone? A simple little self-reflective song that speaks to the unrealistic expectations we put on ourselves. Sorry, only audio for this one! Lyrics:
If I wore all the bells If I blew all the whistles If I drew the parallels If I called my officials Would you want me? Would you want me? If I cashed a bigger check If I cooked a better dinner If I slept more or less If I went to bed a winner Would you want me? Would you want me? If I lost all the weight If I started medication If I stopped to meditate If I understood creation Would you want me? Would you want me? The other day I was looking through the "Notes" app on my phone and saw one that said "Play dead for a bear, fight a squid." That's literally all it said. I had a long wtf moment, and then I remembered a conversation I had a few years ago with a neighbor who was listing ways to survive animal attacks. I'm about 99% sure alcohol and/or weed was involved in this conversation, which probably made me think it was hilarious, which probably led to me writing down two phrases before being distracted with something else. Years later I'm sitting on my couch, guitar in hand, idea in mind, Googling about wild animal attacks. You know that whole "you're your own worst enemy" thing? That's pretty much me in a nutshell, so that's what I was going for in this song. I wrote a similarly-themed tune called Hunting Season a million years ago. I'd like to think I'm making some progress because at least this song ends on a slightly positive note. Maybe in another 10 years I'll write an even more positive version, so stick around for that. Lyrics
1. back away from a snake play dead for a bear howl at a wolf climb a tree for a deer i know all the protocol when something wild’s coming at ya got no clue what to do when i’m the attacker CHORUS do i run do I hide do i dig a big hole and climb down or stand my ground and lock eyes do I demand apologies or do I apologize when it comes to my beast I’m just doing my best to survive 2. eat for a cold starve for a flu ice for a sprain take an aspirin or two i know these remedies for the sick and bed-ridden got no clue what to do when I’m the affliction CHORUS This song is what happens when you have 2ish chords and 3ish beers. All last week, I kept running into the phrase "don't overthink it" so I thought I'd sit down and figure out how to write a song around it. The end result mimics my typical anxiety-driven thought pattern. I'm constantly telling myself to just chill out and be in the moment, but somehow I find myself surrounded by a swarm of worry and doubt and endless questioning. It builds and builds until I have to tell myself to chill out all over again. I kind of dig the chorus and first verse, but was stuck on the last part. So I went out for a few beers with my friends and then came home to write the shitty slurry second half. I might revisit that part. Or maybe I'll just leave it alone and not overthink it. Lyrics:
CHORUS don't overthink it, don't overdo it sometimes it's good enough to get up and get through it you don't have to kick every single wall down sometimes it's good enough to get up and walk around 1. what's all this talk of getting on the saddle what's all this talk of climbing back on the horse what if the saddle's not compatible what if the horse threw you off your course what if the thing that you need currently is to stop indulging worry so repeatedly question marks circle like sharks in your anxiety but their fins are only figments of the swim you see CHORUS 2. what's all this talk of persevering, all this outrageous talk of getting ahead If persevering's too severe today, it was courageous just to get out of bed what if the thing that you need currently is to stop indulging worry so repeatedly question marks circle like sharks in your anxiety but their fins are only figments of the swim you see CHORUS Hi friends - Here's a new song hot off the press! This song was inspired by my latest songwriter book club selection, Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, as well as the song prompt "How to be a Winner when you Lose" provided by Eagles songwriter Jack Tempchin for next month's "The Game" event hosted by Listen Local Radio. The book Big Magic advises artsits to ditch the notion of suffering for your work or relying on a positive outcome/review to feel fulfilled as an artist. Gilbert proposes that by making yourself more attractive to "Big Magic" (the supernatural form of inspiration that we creative-types all lust after) via a courageous mindset, a diligent work ethic, and a positive attitude, you will find more inspiration and joy in the process of creating as a whole. As someone who writes a lot about loss, grief, anxiety, fear, and fun things like that, I had a tough time swallowing this pill of a book. I understand and agree with the big picture version of Gilbert's concepts, particularly the idea of finding peace by detaching from outcome. I don't want to be a mARTyr (I just made that up) as a human or a songwriter, but I do think it's important to create art about human suffering. I have healthily processed so many difficult experiences both as a creator and a listener of this type of music. I guess I don't really know how to create this type of work from a non-suffery place. I sat down to write a song with the book in mind, and it ended up sounding like I was pleading my case to the author yet trying to come around by subscribing to her logic. The last lines for the chorus were originally: "seems like big magic's only big hat trick is disappearing with my heart...and if she ever comes around again she won't catch me suffering in the name of art." I knew that, for me, that last line was a total lie. Inspiration will most definitely catch me suffering again. That's where she always finds me, actually. So imagine my delight when I read the song prompt "How to be a Winner when you Lose." This was the missing piece I needed to get on board with my new song. It allowed me create space for the light without completely ignoring the tunnel. Hope you enjoy! Hear it live on January 19th at Brick 15 in Del Mar! Lyrics:
1. it's not like I was asking loss to be my best friend but she stuck around when the chips were down i've always found her at the bitter end it's not like I've forgotten where the doors are or how to knock them i quite like the sound of the pavement pounding underneath the steps of my ambition CHORUS i wanted big magic, the kind of life that shoots across the sky lighting up the dark i've got this book of matches wet with regret, splintered with time and i can't find the spark seems like big magic's only big hat trick is to go when she knows you blew a fuse she'll leave you sitting in the dim learning how to be a winner when you lose 2. it's not like I'm complaining about the waxing and the waning i prefer the rise and fall of a curve ball i'm always honored by her visitation it's not like i am choiceless or powerless or voiceless but i feel so weak, it gets hard to speak in the ruthless furnace of expectation CHORUS Wanna know what it's like to have a panic attack? Read my latest blog entry for the San Diego Troubadour and find out.
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