Not one, but two podcasts featuring yours truly premiered today! Hope you listen to both in entirety, but if you want to skip around, I took the liberty of breaking down each episode for you below. Both The Dusty Futon and Unstarving Musician podcasts are wonderful supporters of local/indie music. Since I always get asked about my beginnings in the music industry, you'll see I talk about some similar topics, but the flavor of each show is totally different, which is what makes podcasts so cool! I definitely recommend subscribing and browsing some of their past episodes!

Dusty Futon
3:54 - When I Started Playing Music
8:06 - Coming Out/Getting Married Young/Therapy
10:05 - Cathryn Beeks/Listen Local San Diego
11:10 - "Surrogate" w/ Commentary
13:38 - Studio Studios/Alex Dausch
15:03 - Boxing
16:06 - Touring/Performing
17:00 - Multitasking
17:18 - Anxiety / Mental Health
19:20 - Winning a San Diego Music Award
21:50 - The Lovebirds
25:20 - "My Beast" w/ Commentary
30:10 - How I Started Playing Guitar / My Writing Process
35:07 - Music Influences
37:30 - Kleenex Jingles and Taxes
41:50 - "Rubber Band Gun" w/ Commentary (& Crying)

Unstarving Musician

4:50 - Amy & Gary's House Concerts
6:38 - When I Started Pursuing Music 
8:22 - Side Hustles
10:40 - Basketball / Boxing
12:26 - More Side Hustles
14:30 - Rye Room Sessions / "Deep Dark Down"
16:20 - Studio Studios / Alex Dausch 
20:13 - Tracks vs. Lights Out
22: 55 - Not Giving AF About Genres
24:23 - Gratitude Journaling / Anxiety / Insomnia
31:44 - From Central California to San Diego
34:00 - Basketball vs. Music / Music Therapy
36:20 - New Music / What's Next
37:27 - Writing Faster Than I Can Record
38:40 - Moving Past Grief / Raging Feminism
40:20 - Writing Routine / Songwriting Book Club
43:45 - Songwriting Groups / Peers
46:16 - Folk Festivals & House Concerts
47:30 - Tenacity, Patience, & Resilience
51:05 - Touring
54:38 - "Surrogate"

This song was the near-immediate result of how icky I felt after a songwriting critique. Many kind things were said, but the recurring "critique" part of the exchange was that my songs lacked focused themes and clear/streamlined perspectives. All in all it was a mixed bag, but I walked away from the experience feeling a little bit misunderstood as a songwriter. It made me think a lot about compromise. What am I willing to budge on as an artist in order to "level up" in the industry? It's a tough question to chew on, especially since I've never written with that goal in mind. It's kind of like how no one goes to therapy or AA thinking that they're going to get anything out of it other than one more day of survival. But on the flip side, I've been trying to gain listeners and earn money with this gig for years. Am I willing to sacrifice what I cherish about the songwriting process  in order to potentially grow my audience and effin' net worth for a change? I don't know. My gut tells me I'd rather be poor for the rest of my life than change the way I write. Not to be dramatic, but I might actually rather be dead. I value constructive criticism (especially when coming from women in the industry) but I kept thinking how my songwriting hero Bob Dylan would probably never be caught dead asking someone to critique his 11-minute songs featuring 20 different characters and abstract AF imagery. Anyway, this all got me thinking about my ego- sometimes protective, sometimes possessive. But always there.

are you my friend
are you my enemy
remember when
you used to take good care of me
lately you’ve been
treating me unbearably

ego, ego
please let me know
where did we go off track
ego, ego
you got my brain
do you got my back

are you Jekyll or Hyde
it’s still not clear to me
are you on my side
or just tired of being near to me
are you satisfied
you got another tear from me

ego, ego 
please let me know 
where did we go off track 
ego, ego 
you got my brain 
do you got my back

we’re gonna have to make things right
you gotta let me have a say
cause we can’t keep having this fight
and i can’t live this way

​ego, ego 
please let me know 
where did we go off track 
ego, ego 
you got my brain 
do you got my back

This one was inspired by my recent cross-country tour. When I got home, I was feeling pretty discouraged about life, career, etc. Every time I get home from tour, I start to question everything. What am I even doing? Does anyone care? Why do I continue what feels like an abusive relationship with music? It took a couple days, but my perspective started to shift and I felt very lucky to have just been on this wonderful trip where I was able to meet new people, play new venues, and experience beautiful nature. I gave myself a little pep talk to remind myself what my late friend Jeffrey Joe used to tell me: "time takes time." I've been so into treating time as a thief over the last couple years, but I'm finally starting to turn a corner and see it as something that can help me heal and grow. I was recently told in a songwriting critique that the hook "Time is on the Way" wasn't very strong, but for the first time in in a very long time, time is becoming my friend again. It fills my heart and gives me hope to sing that phrase over and over again. I hope it gives you the same feeling. 

Thanks to the friendly folks at SD Voyager for interviewing me! Read the full article here.

Here's a little existential ditty I wrote while spending a few days of alone/quiet time in Oregon. After mom died, my sister and I would always text each other this question, half-serious, half-joking. I started thinking about that question and then it turned into a whole song's worth of questions on the topic. I still don't have the answer, but as my friend puts it: "It's a conundrum...but it beats the alternative."

Lyrics:
1. Is it a wall is it a well, is it a building or a bridge?
Sometimes it’s hard for me to tell what fucking structure even is
Is it a snake in the grass, is it a flower in the weeds?
What does it take, what does it ask, what does it give, what does it need?

CHORUS
What even is life?
Just a place to live and die find someone to love and say goodbye?

2. Call me Godless call me faithless call me a sinner call me brainless
Call me devil call me rival point to pages in your Bible
Preach of gold up in the heavens, warn of flames that burn in hell
Go head pretend to be an expert on shit you don’t know so well

What even is life?
Just a car you don’t know how to drive and you’ll never make it out alive?

3. Is it kind of arbitrary but a little bit on purpose? Time is precious and it’s scary but it’s make-believe and worthless
Are we ignorant are we brilliant, are we fixed or are we fluid?
Are we floating on forever are we rotting where we’re rooted?

What even is life?
​Just a place that we call home to live together and die alone?

Lyrics:

If I wore all the bells
If I blew all the whistles
If I drew the parallels
If I called my officials
Would you want me? Would you want me?
If I cashed a bigger check
If I cooked a better dinner
If I slept more or less
If I went to bed a winner
Would you want me? Would you want me?
If I lost all the weight
If I started medication 
If I stopped to meditate
If I understood creation
Would you want me? Would you want me?

The other day I was looking through the "Notes" app on my phone and saw one that said "Play dead for a bear, fight a squid." That's literally all it said. I had a long wtf moment, and then I remembered a conversation I had a few years ago with a neighbor who was listing ways to survive animal attacks. I'm about 99% sure alcohol and/or weed was involved in this conversation, which probably made me think it was hilarious, which probably led to me writing down two phrases before being distracted with something else. Years later I'm sitting on my couch, guitar in hand, idea in mind, Googling about wild animal attacks. You know that whole "you're your own worst enemy" thing? That's pretty much me in a nutshell, so that's what I was going for in this song. I wrote a similarly-themed tune called Hunting Season a million years ago. I'd like to think I'm making some progress because at least this song ends on a slightly positive note. Maybe in another 10 years I'll write an even more positive version, so stick around for that.

Lyrics

1. back away from a snake
play dead for a bear
howl at a wolf
climb a tree for a deer

i know all the protocol when something wild’s coming at ya
got no clue what to do when i’m the attacker

CHORUS
do i run do I hide
do i dig a big hole and climb down or 
stand my ground and lock eyes
do I demand apologies or do I apologize
when it comes to my beast
I’m just doing my best to survive

2. eat for a cold
starve for a flu
ice for a sprain
take an aspirin or two

i know these remedies for the sick and bed-ridden
got no clue what to do when I’m the affliction

CHORUS

This song is what happens when you have 2ish chords and 3ish beers. All last week, I kept running into the phrase "don't overthink it" so I thought I'd sit down and figure out how to write a song around it. The end result mimics my typical anxiety-driven thought pattern. I'm constantly telling myself to just chill out and be in the moment, but somehow I find myself surrounded by a swarm of worry and doubt and endless questioning. It builds and builds until I have to tell myself to chill out all over again. I kind of dig the chorus and first verse, but was stuck on the last part. So I went out for a few beers with my friends and then came home to write the shitty slurry second half. I might revisit that part. Or maybe I'll just leave it alone and not overthink it. 

Lyrics:
​
CHORUS
don't overthink it, don't overdo it
sometimes it's good enough to get up and get through it
you don't have to kick every single wall down
sometimes it's good enough to get up and walk around

1. what's all this talk of getting on the saddle
what's all this talk of climbing back on the horse
what if the saddle's not compatible
what if the horse threw you off your course

what if the thing that you need currently
is to stop indulging worry so repeatedly
question marks circle like sharks in your anxiety
but their fins are only figments of the swim you see

CHORUS

2. what's all this talk of persevering,
all this outrageous talk of getting ahead
If persevering's too severe today,
it was courageous just to get out of bed

what if the thing that you need currently
is to stop indulging worry so repeatedly
question marks circle like sharks in your anxiety
but their fins are only figments of the swim you see

CHORUS

Hi friends - Here's a new song hot off the press! This song was inspired by my latest songwriter book club selection, Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, as well as the song prompt "How to be a Winner when you Lose" provided by Eagles songwriter Jack Tempchin for next month's "The Game" event hosted by Listen Local Radio.

The book Big Magic advises artsits to ditch the notion of suffering for your work or relying on a positive outcome/review to feel fulfilled as an artist. Gilbert proposes that by making yourself more attractive to "Big Magic" (the supernatural form of inspiration that we creative-types all lust after) via a courageous mindset, a diligent work ethic, and a positive attitude, you will find more inspiration and joy in the process of creating as a whole.

As someone who writes a lot about loss, grief, anxiety, fear, and fun things like that, I had a tough time swallowing this pill of a book. I understand and agree with the big picture version of Gilbert's concepts, particularly the idea of finding peace by detaching from outcome. I don't want to be a mARTyr (I just made that up) as a human or a songwriter, but I do think it's important to create art about human suffering. I have healthily processed so many difficult experiences both as a creator and a listener of this type of music. I guess I don't really know how to create this type of work from a non-suffery place. 

I sat down to write a song with the book in mind, and it ended up sounding like I was pleading my case to the author yet trying to come around by subscribing to her logic. The last lines for the chorus were originally: "seems like big magic's only big hat trick is disappearing with my heart...and if she ever comes around again she won't catch me suffering in the name of art."

I knew that, for me, that last line was a total lie. Inspiration will most definitely catch me suffering again. That's where she always finds me, actually. So imagine my delight when I read the song prompt "How to be a Winner when you Lose." This was the missing piece I needed to get on board with my new song. It allowed me create space for the light without completely ignoring the tunnel. Hope you enjoy! Hear it live on January 19th at Brick 15 in Del Mar!

Lyrics:

1. it's not like I was asking loss to be my best friend
but she stuck around when the chips were down
i've always found her at the bitter end

it's not like I've forgotten where the doors are or how to knock them
i quite like the sound of the pavement pounding
underneath the steps of my ambition

CHORUS
i wanted big magic,
the kind of life that shoots across the sky
lighting up the dark
i've got this book of matches
wet with regret, splintered with time
and i can't find the spark
seems like big magic's only big hat trick
is to go when she knows you blew a fuse
she'll leave you sitting in the dim
learning how to be a winner when you lose

2. it's not like I'm complaining about the waxing and the waning
i prefer the rise and fall of a curve ball
i'm always honored by her visitation

it's not like i am choiceless or powerless or voiceless
but i feel so weak, it gets hard to speak
in the ruthless furnace of expectation

CHORUS