Not one, but two podcasts featuring yours truly premiered today! Hope you listen to both in entirety, but if you want to skip around, I took the liberty of breaking down each episode for you below. Both The Dusty Futon and Unstarving Musician podcasts are wonderful supporters of local/indie music. Since I always get asked about my beginnings in the music industry, you'll see I talk about some similar topics, but the flavor of each show is totally different, which is what makes podcasts so cool! I definitely recommend subscribing and browsing some of their past episodes!
Dusty Futon
3:54 - When I Started Playing Music 8:06 - Coming Out/Getting Married Young/Therapy 10:05 - Cathryn Beeks/Listen Local San Diego 11:10 - "Surrogate" w/ Commentary 13:38 - Studio Studios/Alex Dausch 15:03 - Boxing 16:06 - Touring/Performing 17:00 - Multitasking 17:18 - Anxiety / Mental Health 19:20 - Winning a San Diego Music Award 21:50 - The Lovebirds 25:20 - "My Beast" w/ Commentary 30:10 - How I Started Playing Guitar / My Writing Process 35:07 - Music Influences 37:30 - Kleenex Jingles and Taxes 41:50 - "Rubber Band Gun" w/ Commentary (& Crying)
Unstarving Musician
4:50 - Amy & Gary's House Concerts
6:38 - When I Started Pursuing Music 8:22 - Side Hustles 10:40 - Basketball / Boxing 12:26 - More Side Hustles 14:30 - Rye Room Sessions / "Deep Dark Down" 16:20 - Studio Studios / Alex Dausch 20:13 - Tracks vs. Lights Out 22: 55 - Not Giving AF About Genres 24:23 - Gratitude Journaling / Anxiety / Insomnia 31:44 - From Central California to San Diego 34:00 - Basketball vs. Music / Music Therapy 36:20 - New Music / What's Next 37:27 - Writing Faster Than I Can Record 38:40 - Moving Past Grief / Raging Feminism 40:20 - Writing Routine / Songwriting Book Club 43:45 - Songwriting Groups / Peers 46:16 - Folk Festivals & House Concerts 47:30 - Tenacity, Patience, & Resilience 51:05 - Touring 54:38 - "Surrogate"
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I wrote this song as I was glued to this week's hearing with Dr. Blasey Ford and Brett Kavanaugh. Wow, so many feels. I cried, I yelled, I threw things. I know at the end of the day this guy will probably be confirmed, and that makes me angry because I think there are probably better people for the job. But overall, I just have an overwhelming sense of pride for Dr. Blasey Ford's bravery. It's hard to believe in 2018 that it's still so difficult for women to be taken seriously. But regardless of the outcome, she is helping to change a toxic culture, and for that I thank her. This song is dedicated to Dr. Blasey Ford and any other survivor who has had to put up with this shit week. (And if you don't think I'm being sensitive enough to what Kavanaugh has gone through, here are my thoughts on that). Lyrics:
why you trying so hard to rein me in? you whistle when i trot, but not when i’m galloping is it getting out of hand, am i getting too wild? is it a shame i’m so untamed, so unbridled? i climbed up on my high horse cause it wasn’t safe to come down but i kinda miss the feeling of my feet running on the ground i don’t have no remorse cause i now got a better view i’ll gladly dismount when i can start counting on you until you stop hurting me, i’ve been saddled with a burden you see that’s the only reason why i climbed up on my high horse you think i’m chomping at the bit i’m just trying to help you out you’re trying to throw me off trying to kick me in the mouth you wish i would just stay in the stable laying in the hay you don’t want no trouble long as i’m not in the way This song was the near-immediate result of how icky I felt after a songwriting critique. Many kind things were said, but the recurring "critique" part of the exchange was that my songs lacked focused themes and clear/streamlined perspectives. All in all it was a mixed bag, but I walked away from the experience feeling a little bit misunderstood as a songwriter. It made me think a lot about compromise. What am I willing to budge on as an artist in order to "level up" in the industry? It's a tough question to chew on, especially since I've never written with that goal in mind. It's kind of like how no one goes to therapy or AA thinking that they're going to get anything out of it other than one more day of survival. But on the flip side, I've been trying to gain listeners and earn money with this gig for years. Am I willing to sacrifice what I cherish about the songwriting process in order to potentially grow my audience and effin' net worth for a change? I don't know. My gut tells me I'd rather be poor for the rest of my life than change the way I write. Not to be dramatic, but I might actually rather be dead. I value constructive criticism (especially when coming from women in the industry) but I kept thinking how my songwriting hero Bob Dylan would probably never be caught dead asking someone to critique his 11-minute songs featuring 20 different characters and abstract AF imagery. Anyway, this all got me thinking about my ego- sometimes protective, sometimes possessive. But always there. are you my friend
are you my enemy remember when you used to take good care of me lately you’ve been treating me unbearably ego, ego please let me know where did we go off track ego, ego you got my brain do you got my back are you Jekyll or Hyde it’s still not clear to me are you on my side or just tired of being near to me are you satisfied you got another tear from me ego, ego please let me know where did we go off track ego, ego you got my brain do you got my back we’re gonna have to make things right you gotta let me have a say cause we can’t keep having this fight and i can’t live this way ego, ego please let me know where did we go off track ego, ego you got my brain do you got my back This here's a little ditty about the patriarchy. On a personal level, I'm noticing that every time a express myself with the realm of my little digital real estate (FB page, etc.), there is ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS some dude trying to tell me how I'm wrong or how I'd be better if only just blah blah blah. On a socio-political level, I'm just really sick of the patriarchy, y'all. Like, enough, already. I'm so ready for women to be in charge of shit, it's not even funny anymore. If you disagree with me, that's cool. But here's a song I wrote about it since I don't disagree with me. :) Lyrics:
you say, girl i like it fast i say, boy that don’t surprise me for what it’s worth i didn’t even ask but you just gotta advise me i’m not hoping i’m not wishing i’m not asking for permission you keep talking i’m not listening my existence ain’t on trial here comes that crazy bitch again why does she get sensitive when you tell her she’d look better if she’d only fucking smile i didn’t ask you (woah) how you see me (ooh) i don’t need you (boy) just to be me (yeah) you say, girl you’re so emotional i say, boy you’re just afraid of living in a world where you’re losing control you cower in the power that i’m made of but it’s physical, political, emotional and spiritual it’s sexual, perpetual, habitual assault here comes that short skirt argument why does she get sensitive when you put your hands all over her and tell her it’s her fault This one was inspired by my recent cross-country tour. When I got home, I was feeling pretty discouraged about life, career, etc. Every time I get home from tour, I start to question everything. What am I even doing? Does anyone care? Why do I continue what feels like an abusive relationship with music? It took a couple days, but my perspective started to shift and I felt very lucky to have just been on this wonderful trip where I was able to meet new people, play new venues, and experience beautiful nature. I gave myself a little pep talk to remind myself what my late friend Jeffrey Joe used to tell me: "time takes time." I've been so into treating time as a thief over the last couple years, but I'm finally starting to turn a corner and see it as something that can help me heal and grow. I was recently told in a songwriting critique that the hook "Time is on the Way" wasn't very strong, but for the first time in in a very long time, time is becoming my friend again. It fills my heart and gives me hope to sing that phrase over and over again. I hope it gives you the same feeling. is the weight of the world wreaking its havoc
is the state of affairs so scary it hurts is that venomous voice in your head automatic just letting you have it making you feel like dirt baby you're the damn grand canyon baby you're a big great lake you got that majesty, that beauty you can see from outerspace all those tall sequoias they didn't grow in just one day you know a landmark kind of life takes time and time is on the way time is on the way carving marvels out of clay yeah time is on the way is the hardest part of your day in the morning turn on your phone, feel alone, and lament does the pressure you feel steal your breath without warning feel that furrowed brow forming making you feel irrelevant baby you're the damn grand canyon baby you're a big great lake you got that majesty, that beauty you can see from outerspace all those tall sequoias they didn't grow in just one day you know a landmark kind of life takes time and time is on the way time is on the way carving marvels out of clay yeah time is on the way time is on the way coming round to save the day so slow down, let it pave the way yeah time is on the way Well, this one's pretty self-explanatory. These songs are kind of hard to share because I understand I might be alienating some listeners. But we're living in a time where I feel like I have a responsibility to speak out about things I perceive to be unacceptable in this society. Like Donald Trump, gun violence, police brutality, the separation of immigrant families, and corporate interests running our government, to name a few. It's okay if you don't agree, or if you don't want to listen to this one, or if you want to write your own song about your personal feelings on these matters. It's not okay, though, to send me threatening or insulting messages. Thanks for understanding and respecting my freedom to express myself! Lyrics:
another unarmed black man lying dead in the sun another flag-hag pigskin patriot walks fast past the homeless veteran what the hell do you stand for? what the hell will you fall for? what the fuck are you waiting for? does a cat got your tongue? another ar15 minutes another thought, another prayer another nra-hole politician too tightly tucked into bed to care another brown child in a cage while an orange man turns tricks you turn a blind eye to grabbing pussy do you like to watch him suck dictatorships? Behind the Song - The Magic's In Me (Inspired by Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi)6/20/2018 Welcome to another edition of Behind the Song. This one's been brewing in my head ever since I finished reading Tomi Adeyemi's new book Children of Blood and Bone. It's a Young Adult novel, but the themes are so relevant for today's society, I highly recommend it for all ages. On a cultural level, there are so many parallels in Adeyemi's alternate reality, it almost doesn't feel alternate. On a personal level, there is so much mother-daughter-grief stuff going on, I had to keep the tissues handy at all times. One particular section of the book punched me right in the throat...the main character Zélie has a cosmic conversation with her late mother. A song: "mama, mama, mama" leads Zélie to the spirit of her mother. I shit you not, this is what my sister and I sang to my mother during that grueling 6 days where she slipped away from us. Zélie's mother tells her daughter how proud she is of her and that she will never leave her side. For those of you who've followed my challenging relationship with my mom, you know how desperate I was to hear these words from my own mother. And it might sound silly, but in reading this book, it felt like I finally did. Everything is connected, people. It's like my own dead mama summoned me and set me straight through the voice of a fictional dead mama. What are the odds? I don't know, but I'll take it. When I set down to write this song, I wanted to write not only about the energy that connects all beings, but also about the love, positivity and resilience that grows out of powering through fear, grief, and trauma. Resilience is such a powerful gift because it softens and hardens us at the same time. The more resilience we have, the more we are able to show compassion and open our minds to people/experiences we may not be familiar with. But at the same time, it strengthens our convictions and helps us advocate for the powerless/voiceless. This is what I wanted to capture in the song. I also wanted it to feel epic and cinematic....you know, just in case they are looking for songs to put in the movie. A girl can dream. i’ve been reading all the signs on the wall
i’ve been staring at the stars in the sky i’ve been wondering if this road leads anywhere at all if it ended in demise, i would not be surprised but that doesn’t mean i’m not willing to fight i’m calling all the strength in me i need to survive there’s a fire in me i just need to ignite i’ve been fumbling in the dark, looking for a spark of light it’s in the sunrise, It’s in the sunset it’s in the thrill of the unknown every heartache, every mistake it’s in our blood, it’s in our bones every sand of desert, every strand of hair the magic’s there hanging in the balance of the valleys and peaks if you listen, magic speaks Oya, Oya, the magic’s in me Oya, Oya, the magic’s in me Oya, Oya, the magic’s in me Oya, Oya you’ve been telling me bout star-crossed love you’ve been selling me on shakespeare i've been wondering if love alone will ever be enough cause i know there’s so much more at stake here but that doesn’t mean i’m not willing to try i’m calling on the strength in me just to look in those eyes there’s a fire in me, i just need to ignite i had such a heavy heart, i’m trying to do my part to make it light don't you see, don't you see, don't you see Just finished this in time for my songwriting book club meeting. It was inspired by the book Pronoia by Spencer Brezsny. His primary thesis is that the universe is conspiring in our favor. For the most part I agree with this theory and the author's content, but I didn't love the presentation so much. Or maybe I just wasn't in the mood to "go there" with him. In any case, I found it amusing that I've been trying to turn a corner on my cynical songwriting, and here was an author showing me a trillion examples of optimism, yet I just kept rolling my eyes at the way the book was structured. I had Dylan's song Idiot Wind in mind the whole time. Instead of trying to stifle my cynicism, I just let myself bask in it for the sake of the song. It was kind of fun to give myself permission to do that. Who knows, maybe I subconsciously learned that lesson from the book! i've had enough of you
i've had enough of you i sure wish your mouth came with some glue cause i've had enough of you it's not what you say but the way that you state it it's not what you serve up but the way that you plate it i'm already fed up 'fore i see the menu yes i've had enough of you you're like a book i can't read you're like a book i can't read the day i put you down was the day i was freed yeah you're like a book i can't read each word so much worse than the last i curse every page and skim past all this stuff, it's just fluff, a marshmallow stampede yeah you're like a book i can't read i concur with your scorn for my cynical ways it's a lazy and boring disguise but the soapbox you stand on takes up too much space and it's taking a toll on the roll on my eyes when that idiot wind starts to blow when that idiot wind starts to blow i always take it as my cue to go when that idiot wind starts to blow i don't like to watch when the emperor streaks or the way that the breath of a bragging man reeks i'm covering my eyes, i'm plugging my nose when that idiot wind starts to blow Recently the San Diego Songwriters Collective posted a prompt challenging songwriters to write a song using Colors as an inspiration. I couldn't make the meeting, but decided to take a stab at it anyway. Here's what I came up with. In what comes as no surprise to anyone on this planet, it's about my mama. Annnnnnnd in other shocking news, I cry in the video. I'm becoming a caricature of myself, guys, I know. Lyrics
1.I clicked the link that said add one to the basket I didn’t think I’d be this young shopping for a casket The whole thing was pink with pretty little flowers to match it We watched it sink deep down in the grave that we paid for to stash it CHORUS In a way, the day she died, I did a little too I’d have to say it was the day pink turned blue 2. When she was alive I’d get lost on a dime, broke down like a car I tried to drive away so many times but never got too far But now I believe she’s giving me signs, I see ‘em in the stars Even though grief made me blind now I see her fine, she’s on my radar CHORUS In a way, she gave me the go-ahead, the gasoline I’d have to say she's paving the way for red to turn green Hello friends. I just finished up a song inspired by my latest songwriting book club read, The Sandcastle Girls by Chris Bohjalian. It was a good read - really intense but fascinating (fictional but historical) account of the Armenian genocide. I loved how the author traced the story of struggle and survival through multiple generations, ethnicities, etc. of women. In these songwriting challenges, I always try to find the characters or themes that resonate with me, and apply my own experience, but I felt like kind of an imposter trying to relate on a personal level to the unimaginable suffering these characters witnessed and endured. My problems become all but imaginary when viewed through the horrifying lens of attempted ethnic cleansing. So instead of narrowing my focus, I widened the scope and thought about how the book relates to the position many women have found themselves in since the dawn of time. We play so many roles for "some man, some god, some war" - some of which are forced on us, some of which we embrace, many of which demean us or destroy us in one way or another. Whether we are perceived as sexual objects of desire, spiritual objects of religion, or social objects of war, we've been consistently rendered useless, unworthy of governing our own bodies, choosing our own beliefs, or creating our own culture. I'm encouraged at how far we've come, but slightly exasperated at how far we've yet to go. Here's hoping the momentum will continue to build. I truly believe women are the key to making a more powerful impact and a more peaceful world. If you agree, please give this song a share! Lyrics:
1. She is dried out like the desert She is famished, all but vanished by design And her hide out is her cactus heart Her own hand grenade, a barricade of spines CHORUS The sands of time repeating She’s seen suffering before Her future takes a beating for some man, some god, some war 2. She is minding her own business Steadfastly building castles of sand She is blinded by a raging son Who demolishes and calls it all his land CHORUS These poor holy rolling soldiers’ plight They can’t live without their virgins and whores To lift their strengths and spirits to fight for Some man, some god, some war 3. We are sucking out the venom Of poisonous scorpions and snakes We are bucking this ecosystem Til our mother’s deserts are our daughter’s lakes CHORUS Oh, wondrous, thunderous women Together too loud to ignore No more curtsies at the mercy of some man, some god, some war |
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