This song came from an exasperated moment where I looked back on the past year or so and felt frustrated by....well, everything. My mom died in February, and I still somehow managed to put together a charting album release and tour in July. Since then though, I think the trauma of it all has just wrapped it's thorny vines around my ankles and I can't seem to machete my way out. I used to have a plan of attack for my musical aspirations. I used to have an unmatched work ethic. I used to hit the ground running and make things happen for myself. I was the send-100-emails-or-it's-not-a-good-day girl. I used to have energy. I used to have a mom.
And now, it kind of just feels like my batteries won't charge. I'm just as far away from my goals as I've ever been, only now I don't even seem to have the stamina to watch them slip away. I'm like that girl who sprains her ankle at a track meet. Instead of heroically hobbling to the finish line, I kind of want to just sit there and cry for a second.
Here's hoping I get up and hobble soon, but in the meantime, here's a song for wound-lickers.
1. I don’t want to pay a publicist to like me
I don’t want to ask a journalist to write nice things about me
I don’t want to beg my friends to come to my next show
I don’t want to paste my stupid face on stupid clothes
I just want to write a song that saves the world Or pays my rent
When chasing your dreams turns to chasing your tail, you start asking yourself where the hell all the time went
2. I don’t want to shake a hand and fake my admiration
I don’t want to stoke or fan the flames of my frustration
I don’t want to envy when my friends enjoy successes
Or give bits of me for free just to see who it impresses
3. I don’t want to be negative I’ll quit my bellyaching
I don’t want to second guess my purpose or decision making
I don’t want the past or future to chase me up a tree
If I stay here in this moment, maybe my dreams might chase me
image credit: Darci Fontenot