Thanks to Brendan McCourt and BPM Live Sessions for featuring me on their series. Here's a look at "Run" - a song I wrote about how anxiety wreaks havoc in my life sometimes. Enjoy, and try not to have a panic attack. 

Lyrics:
1. one drop of water and the lake still shakes
stomping my boots but the mud's still caked
i gotta find a way to let this go
a pile of bricks sticking to my chest
weighing me down, they will not decongest
i tried to kill this ache but still it grows

chorus
how do i breathe now? 
there's no air in my lungs
how do i climb down?
this ladder's out of rungs
how do i slow down?
when all i ever did was
all i ever did was run?

2. should i be drinking?now, well probably not
order a whiskey cause it's worth a shot
maybe i'll drown this fear before it drowns me
trouble with worry is it won't get gone
cause you can never put your finger on
something you feel but you can not see

repeat chorus

During the recent coverage of the California wildfires, I read about two people who were found burned beyond recognition trying to escape. I’ve been sick to my stomach imagining what it might have been like to lose everything, even your life. I can’t stop picturing myself in a car with my wife in the same situation. What would I even say, knowing I was unable to keep her safe? My heart bleeds for all the families suffering. I sat down to write this song, and ended up incorporating a bit of the Modern English song "Melt With You" into the chorus. 

Yet another song about the current state of leadership (or lack thereof) in our country. When I say “we ain’t worth keeping” I certainly don’t mean human life isn’t worth anything. I mean that when we treat life as meaningless (either our own, or other groups of people), or when we demonstrate with our words and actions a belief that money/power is more important than the well-being of life/the planet, there are severe consequences, and we’re seeing those consequences play out in our society daily. I am so saddened by where we are but also not in the least bit surprised based on our choices/actions as a society. It doesn’t take a genius to realize a Trump presidency was going to produce the circling-the-drain reality we wake up to every morning.
I believe our country is diseased, and in order to cure that disease, I think we should promote education, celebrate diversity, encourage and applaud service, provide all people with the food, housing, healthcare, and mental health services they need, respect all religion (or no religion) while firmly separating it from our government, put down our defenses, be willing to listen, and acknowledge the hurt and fear we all feel. Above all we need to take ownership of the the ways we individually contribute to other people’s suffering even when we don’t intend to or aren’t aware of it. In a nutshell, we have to take care of each other.
Until we all collectively decide that money and power are not worth the countless innocent lives lost to senseless acts of hate and violence, we will just continue to be desensitized to the skyrocketing probability that we, our someone we love, will be shot and killed in public by a stranger with a gun. The “getting used to it” is our body/brain’s way of coping with trauma. I hope in my lifetime, we rise up, fight that numbness, fight that greed, and make every sacrifice possible to show that we value human life more than we value wealth/power, comfort, and convenience.

As we approached Halloween and the midterm elections, I had this thought in my head about how it's felt like Halloween since Trump got elected...just kinda feels like the country's been circling the drain for the past 2 years. I just chuckled and thought it'd make a silly spoof song, but didn't actually write and record it til the administration started bullying the trans community and pipe bombs started going out in the mail addressed to prominent Democrats. Right after I posted this some American terrorist murdered a bunch of elderly Jews in a synagogue. Like I said, scary fucking times. Which is why, even though this is a spoof, I don't look like I'm having very much fun. 

I wrote this song as I was glued to this week's hearing with Dr. Blasey Ford and Brett Kavanaugh. Wow, so many feels. I cried, I yelled, I threw things. I know at the end of the day this guy will probably be confirmed, and that makes me angry because I think there are probably better people for the job. But overall, I just have an overwhelming sense of pride for Dr. Blasey Ford's bravery. It's hard to believe in 2018 that it's still so difficult for women to be taken seriously. But regardless of the outcome, she is helping to change a toxic culture, and for that I thank her. This song is dedicated to Dr. Blasey Ford and any other survivor who has had to put up with this shit week. (And if you don't think I'm being sensitive enough to what Kavanaugh has gone through, here are my thoughts on that).

This song was the near-immediate result of how icky I felt after a songwriting critique. Many kind things were said, but the recurring "critique" part of the exchange was that my songs lacked focused themes and clear/streamlined perspectives. All in all it was a mixed bag, but I walked away from the experience feeling a little bit misunderstood as a songwriter. It made me think a lot about compromise. What am I willing to budge on as an artist in order to "level up" in the industry? It's a tough question to chew on, especially since I've never written with that goal in mind. It's kind of like how no one goes to therapy or AA thinking that they're going to get anything out of it other than one more day of survival. But on the flip side, I've been trying to gain listeners and earn money with this gig for years. Am I willing to sacrifice what I cherish about the songwriting process  in order to potentially grow my audience and effin' net worth for a change? I don't know. My gut tells me I'd rather be poor for the rest of my life than change the way I write. Not to be dramatic, but I might actually rather be dead. I value constructive criticism (especially when coming from women in the industry) but I kept thinking how my songwriting hero Bob Dylan would probably never be caught dead asking someone to critique his 11-minute songs featuring 20 different characters and abstract AF imagery. Anyway, this all got me thinking about my ego- sometimes protective, sometimes possessive. But always there.

are you my friend
are you my enemy
remember when
you used to take good care of me
lately you’ve been
treating me unbearably

ego, ego
please let me know
where did we go off track
ego, ego
you got my brain
do you got my back

are you Jekyll or Hyde
it’s still not clear to me
are you on my side
or just tired of being near to me
are you satisfied
you got another tear from me

ego, ego 
please let me know 
where did we go off track 
ego, ego 
you got my brain 
do you got my back

we’re gonna have to make things right
you gotta let me have a say
cause we can’t keep having this fight
and i can’t live this way

​ego, ego 
please let me know 
where did we go off track 
ego, ego 
you got my brain 
do you got my back

This here's a little ditty about the patriarchy. On a personal level, I'm noticing that every time a express myself with the realm of my little digital real estate (FB page, etc.), there is ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS some dude trying to tell me how I'm wrong or how I'd be better if only just blah blah blah. On a socio-political level, I'm just really sick of the patriarchy, y'all. Like, enough, already. I'm so ready for women to be in charge of shit, it's not even funny anymore. If you disagree with me, that's cool. But here's a song I wrote about it since I don't disagree with me. :) 

This one was inspired by my recent cross-country tour. When I got home, I was feeling pretty discouraged about life, career, etc. Every time I get home from tour, I start to question everything. What am I even doing? Does anyone care? Why do I continue what feels like an abusive relationship with music? It took a couple days, but my perspective started to shift and I felt very lucky to have just been on this wonderful trip where I was able to meet new people, play new venues, and experience beautiful nature. I gave myself a little pep talk to remind myself what my late friend Jeffrey Joe used to tell me: "time takes time." I've been so into treating time as a thief over the last couple years, but I'm finally starting to turn a corner and see it as something that can help me heal and grow. I was recently told in a songwriting critique that the hook "Time is on the Way" wasn't very strong, but for the first time in in a very long time, time is becoming my friend again. It fills my heart and gives me hope to sing that phrase over and over again. I hope it gives you the same feeling. 

Welcome to another edition of Behind the Song. This one's been brewing in my head ever since I finished reading Tomi Adeyemi's new book Children of Blood and Bone. It's a Young Adult novel, but the themes are so relevant for today's society, I highly recommend it for all ages. On a cultural level, there are so many parallels in Adeyemi's alternate reality, it almost doesn't feel alternate. On a personal level, there is so much mother-daughter-grief stuff going on, I had to keep the tissues handy at all times. One particular section of the book punched me right in the throat...the main character Zélie has a cosmic conversation with her late mother.  A song: "mama, mama, mama" leads Zélie to the spirit of her mother. I shit you not, this is what my sister and I sang to my mother during that grueling 6 days where she slipped away from us. Zélie's mother tells her daughter how proud she is of her and that she will never leave her side. For those of you who've followed my challenging relationship with my mom, you know how desperate I was to hear these words from my own mother. And it might sound silly, but in reading this book, it felt like I finally did. Everything is connected, people. It's like my own dead mama summoned me and set me straight through the voice of a fictional dead mama. What are the odds? I don't know, but I'll take it. When I set down to write this song, I wanted to write not only about the energy that connects all beings, but also about the love, positivity and resilience that grows out of powering through fear, grief, and trauma. Resilience is such a powerful gift because it softens and hardens us at the same time. The more resilience we have, the more we are able to show compassion and open our minds to people/experiences we may not be familiar with. But at the same time, it strengthens our convictions and helps us advocate for the powerless/voiceless. This is what I wanted to capture in the song. I also wanted it to feel epic and cinematic....you know, just in case they are looking for songs to put in the movie. A girl can dream.