Happy NOW Year from Lindsay White

I’ve always been a goal-setting go-getter, but my mother’s death has added new perspective to the relentless ambition that kept me from seeing myself as whole/enough and that kept me from living in the moment. My mom worked like a dog her whole life while raising two kids and then made a courageous decision to go back to school. She worked her ass off and earned two degrees in speech therapy, then eventually began her dream job working with kiddos she loved so much. She was the most ambitious person I’ve ever known. Right after all that hard work finally started to pay off, she got diagnosed with brain cancer, had to stop working, and died shortly after. This has taught me an important lesson. It’s lovely and admirable to have dreams, set goals, and work toward more knowledge, more growth, more money, more ability to make a difference. But all that hard work didn’t amount to much in terms of outcome. It amounted to a lot in terms of memorable moments and meaningful relationships though. The process was the powerful part, not the result. As this new year begins, I refuse to spend ALL my energy focusing on what I don’t have, what I want, where I hope to end up, what I’d like to look like or have or do or achieve to finally give myself permission to be happy. Instead, I’m choosing to wake up every day and take grateful inventory of what I already have. To know I am worthy of love no matter what I do or don’t accomplish in my life. To do my best and forget the rest. Grief dug a hole and planted some wisdom seeds that are juuuuuust now starting to take root in my heart and sprout in my actions. It’s weird and scary and unsettling to notice your identity morphing into something else. Sometimes my new thoughts feel like they don’t belong in my old brain, like a new me is taking over, and I’m afraid to leave the old me behind because I’m more familiar with her. But I’m trying to let the change happen as slowly and peacefully as possible, and I’m grateful to my mom for continuing to teach me. Here’s to a happy NOW year. I hope you got a chance to smile or make someone smile today.