This song came from an exasperated moment where I looked back on the past year or so and felt frustrated by....well, everything. My mom died in February, and I still somehow managed to put together a charting album release and tour in July. Since then though, I think the trauma of it all has just wrapped it's thorny vines around my ankles and I can't seem to machete my way out. I used to have a plan of attack for my musical aspirations. I used to have an unmatched work ethic. I used to hit the ground running and make things happen for myself. I was the send-100-emails-or-it's-not-a-good-day girl. I used to have energy. I used to have a mom. And now, it kind of just feels like my batteries won't charge. I'm just as far away from my goals as I've ever been, only now I don't even seem to have the stamina to watch them slip away. I'm like that girl who sprains her ankle at a track meet. Instead of heroically hobbling to the finish line, I kind of want to just sit there and cry for a second. Here's hoping I get up and hobble soon, but in the meantime, here's a song for wound-lickers. Lyrics:
1. I don’t want to pay a publicist to like me I don’t want to ask a journalist to write nice things about me I don’t want to beg my friends to come to my next show I don’t want to paste my stupid face on stupid clothes Chorus: I just want to write a song that saves the world Or pays my rent When chasing your dreams turns to chasing your tail, you start asking yourself where the hell all the time went 2. I don’t want to shake a hand and fake my admiration I don’t want to stoke or fan the flames of my frustration I don’t want to envy when my friends enjoy successes Or give bits of me for free just to see who it impresses Chorus 3. I don’t want to be negative I’ll quit my bellyaching I don’t want to second guess my purpose or decision making I don’t want the past or future to chase me up a tree If I stay here in this moment, maybe my dreams might chase me
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Normally, I'd post an entry like this on my other writing site, but because my relationship is very much a part of my music inspiration, I thought I'd highlight it on my music website. While many newlyweds hit the ground running with all that “for better” stuff like travels and babies and houses, my wife Audrie and I were unfortunately subjected to the “for worse” stuff a little sooner than we hoped. My mother died almost exactly 6 months after my wedding day, and about as much time has passed since her death. In that time I’ve written quite a bit about grief in my blog series Lens of Loss, and I even released an album this summer documenting the process of losing a loved one. But it hit me recently that I never really got a chance to write about my wedding day. I realized I've been focusing so hard on what I've lost that I didn't devote enough time to showing gratitude for what I've found: a loving and supportive partner. I figured I might enjoy actually writing about joy for a change. So here goes: Ceremony Venue We decided pretty early on to hold our ceremony smack in the middle of our favorite place – Municipal Gym, located in San Diego’s world famous Balboa Park. Not only did we meet and foster our friendship on this very court, but we also dedicated much of our lives to the sport before we knew each other. Basketball played a huge role in the women we became. The cheap-ass cherry on top? Audrie works here. Hair, Makeup, & Clothes Audrie walked into the Ann Taylor store, found adorable pants and a matching blouse in about 5 minutes, and called it a day. I bought her a pair of gold lobster-print shoes from Nordstrom rack (cause she’s my lobster), and even though they gave her blisters, they were hashtag worth it as the kiddos say. She looked incredible, but let's be real, she could have worn a Trader Joe’s grocery bag to our wedding and I still would have swooned. As for my dress, I had mentioned to my sister Haley in conversation how it’d be cool to create a dress that somehow incorporated all of the poetry/lyrics I’d written for Audrie through the years. I didn’t really have the money to get a dress made, so I put the idea out of my mind and settled for a simple summery maxi dress at Macy’s. Being the incredible sister she is, Haley began practicing her fabric marker cursive on a thrift store dress. I LOVED the effect, but the sample dress didn’t fit me. I headed back to Macy’s and bought this lovely gown right off the sale rack. (I wore the other one to my rehearsal dinner). The end result was a completely unique dress dedicated to my life soul mate, created by my sister soul mate. I’m not one for wedding mushiness, but the dress was one of my favorite parts of the whole day. Hair and makeup was done by my friend Cassie. Since we really don’t have any problems with our own (or each other’s) faces, we basically just asked Cassie to make us semi-fancy, less-sweaty versions of ourselves. Audrie got a cute little faux-hawk, I got some faux-eyelashes, and we were on our way. Guests & Wedding Party We invited friends and family via email, which cost us exactly zero dollars and zero cents. I highly recommend not spending a shit-ton of money on stamps and postage and paper that will end up in a trash can. This is coming from a person whose wedding was about two notches up from a sack lunch, so that’s just me. You do you boo. I am most happy to report that not only did my nugget of a father (who also happens to be my former basketball coach) RSVP yes, but he also proudly walked me down the aisle. This simple action meant the world to me. Our other witnesses were my sister Haley and Audrie’s best friend Renee. Spoiler alert: we let them wear whatever they wanted. I have a hard enough time convincing myself to wear clothes let alone pick them out for other people. Our mutual homie Jessica sealed the deal by performing the ceremony. Vows & Rings I still get all goose-bumpy when I think of this moment. To watch these promises come to life in every day experiences over the last year fills me with joy. We didn’t want to spend more money on wedding rings when we already had perfectly good engagement rings, so we just made sure to pass them around so our guests could brighten them up with all their warm and fuzzies for our future. Reception Venue Just a short walk from the gym is Spanish Village, a funky and festive outdoor venue that is home to local art studios. We are not crafty people, and we are also not rich, so we needed a cheap place that was cute on its own. This colorful venue was affordable, offered ample space, and didn’t need much in terms of decorations. We just got married on a basketball court for crying out loud. Who has time or money or energy to decorate crap? Let’s eat. Flowers & Decorations My friend Kristine holds it down in the flower department. I thought I didn’t care about bouquets and shit like that, but I fell in love with the one she made me. Who knew kale could be so delightfully beautiful? She also worked her magic on some El Pato sauce cans that I purchased at a Mexican market. Boom, centerpieces, done. We rented tables/chairs/linens from Raphael’s, easy peasy. I borrowed some of those cheap lantern things from my work, stuffed them with those trendy battery-operated lights from Marshall’s, and asked some of my tallest friends to hang them from the trees. We also grabbed a big chalkboard from the gym, decorated it with some of the leftover stuff our friends made for our bridal shower, wrote on it with my janky handwriting, and wheeled it over to the reception in case people were dying for some kind of photo-boothy thing. Food & Beverage Eating…our favorite part. Keeping in line with the whole not-going-broke goal, we opted for tacos from our favorite spot in Barrio Logan, Salud (dba San Diego Taco Company for events/catering). Who needs a gross cake when you have churros? For the alky, we called up the fine folks at Snake Oil Cocktail Company for beer, wine, and a signature cocktail. Seriously, some of the nicest, most professional, creative, and accommodating folks you’ll ever meet. (PS We don't have any good pictures of F&B b/c we were too busy eating and drinking it all). Music While guests arrived, we played a Spotify playlist mostly filled with our favorite 90’s music and some other songs we love. We hired DJ Hevrock to keep that 90’s party going throughout the reception. There were no formal dances, no group dances, no speeches, and no cake-cutting interruptions. Just tacos, drinking, and dancing, like the good Lord intended. Not a Boy Speaking of music, I wrote the song "Not a Boy" leading up to the wedding. Not having 3/4 of our parents’ blessing was particularly weighing on Audrie at the time. I just kept thinking about how you couldn’t pay me to miss out on a chance to see her smile and how her parents were going to miss seeing their daughter experience a completely genuine moment of joy. I I thought about all the couples who brave their wedding day knowing their decision to share a life together is a source of disgust or disappointment for parents or other loved ones. I thought about how queer marriages are a protest of hate as much as they are a proclamation of love. Maybe (hopefully) one day this won’t be a thing, but for now, it very much is a thing. So this song is both a proclamation of love for my beautiful bride, as well as a protest of hate for anyone who thinks our love is unnatural or ungodly. Photography
Special shout out to Brant Bender Photography for all the lovely photos and to our girl Jaymee for the raw video footage. Thanks for helping us capture these beautiful memories! So I rounded up some of my nerdiest TV-watching musician friends and presented them with a Game of Thrones themed songwriting challenge. Participants were randomly assigned GOT characters and tasked with writing a song influenced or inspired by that character in some way. Visit this FB event page to check out everyone's fabulous entries! I was originally assigned The Hound for my prompt, but I also wrote one for the Stark sisters when a couple participants had to back out. (How could I resist writing a sister song!?) Hope you enjoy - feel free to share with any fellow GOT-lovers! Characters: Arya Stark & Sansa Stark Songwriter: Lindsay White Song Title: Needle & Thread Lyrics: 1. i get to the point i'm sharp to the touch sometimes i'm out for blood it doesn't take much you're shockingly strong not as soft as you seem sometimes you are afraid but babe you can get through anything CH we are tied together sister we were born and bred and this time we will keep what we reap when we sow they don't know about this needle and thread 2. i struggled alone got lost in the stack returned to my home i learned to attack you suffered enough all tangled and spun we will not be caught stark naked when the winter comes REPEAT CH Character: Sandor Clegane (The Hound) Songwriter: Lindsay White Song Title: The Hound Lyrics:
1. face to the furnace, tears up in flames i was the fodder, were you not entertained you heard it cracking, did you laugh at that sound fire is fuel when you're the hound 2. now i've taken orders and i've contravened i've saved the day, and i have fled the scene i could care less about castles and crowns power is pointless when you're the hound br just allow me to touch upon the fact my knee was never bent used to have a nose for blood but now it's gone i must have lost that scent it's a wonder i've seen love at all it must have been by accident 3. i've taken prisoners, i've been behind bars i figure salvation is not without scars face to the furnace, nose to the ground fire is freedom when you're the hound Hope is always looked to as some unifying, mesmerizing, supernatural conduit for positive change. Obama ran on the idea of hope. But can hope be a negative thing? Toxic or paralyzing, even? I think so. The idea for this song came directly from a text message conversation I was having with a friend about her recent breakup. She was referring to that feeling we all know so well - when a relationship is over, and we know better than to hope for a different outcome, yet hope lingers. She literally texted me the line "there's nothing worse than hoping at a time like this." Coincidentally, I was having feelings about my relationship to my music career that sort of paralleled this hopeless type of hope, so I drew from that well to give the song a bit more personal meaning for me. I "hope" (har har har I hate myself) you like it. Lyrics:
1. there's a pillow i keep punching i always take you lying down there's a pill so hard to swallow i have to hide it in my mouth CH i'm sinking down the valley i can't find the surface i'm fighting the finale like a novice novelist i'm pacing like Penelope hope for my homecoming kiss course there's nothing worse than hoping in a lonesome time like this 2. there's a hole where i keep whispering i always wonder if you hear there's a hopeless place where i know best but dear i don't dare to go near CH i'm counting up the memories and the sacrifices i'll spend them on you honey i don't care what the price is i'm testing several theories hoping to prove the same thesis but there's nothing worse than hoping in a lonesome time like this BR worry my mind furrow my brow sweetheart i'm sweating bullets sweating you out how can i let you go when i still hope that hope exists i know there's nothing worse than hoping at a lonesome time like this still i just sit here hoping at a lonesome time like this Here's a little existential ditty I wrote while spending a few days of alone/quiet time in Oregon. After mom died, my sister and I would always text each other this question, half-serious, half-joking. I started thinking about that question and then it turned into a whole song's worth of questions on the topic. I still don't have the answer, but as my friend puts it: "It's a conundrum...but it beats the alternative." Lyrics:
1. Is it a wall is it a well, is it a building or a bridge? Sometimes it’s hard for me to tell what fucking structure even is Is it a snake in the grass, is it a flower in the weeds? What does it take, what does it ask, what does it give, what does it need? CHORUS What even is life? Just a place to live and die find someone to love and say goodbye? 2. Call me Godless call me faithless call me a sinner call me brainless Call me devil call me rival point to pages in your Bible Preach of gold up in the heavens, warn of flames that burn in hell Go head pretend to be an expert on shit you don’t know so well What even is life? Just a car you don’t know how to drive and you’ll never make it out alive? 3. Is it kind of arbitrary but a little bit on purpose? Time is precious and it’s scary but it’s make-believe and worthless Are we ignorant are we brilliant, are we fixed or are we fluid? Are we floating on forever are we rotting where we’re rooted? What even is life? Just a place that we call home to live together and die alone? It's been hard, losing my dear friend Jeffrey Joe while out on tour. I'm having trouble processing the reality and permanence of it. I'm sad I won't be around for the memorial celebration of life. But mostly I just miss him so, so much. When I had a couple days off in Vancouver, WA, I took a stab at writing a tune to honor JJ but so far I don't think this one does him justice. He always used to sign off "Ever Yours" and he would always tell me silly stuff like "on a scale of 1-10 I love you 94." I loved how silly and quick-witted he was. And how resilient. And how strong. And how much he loved me. This song kind of pales in comparison to all of that. I just don't think i'm prepared to go into the deep end of that pain yet. Maybe when I get home. For the meantime, this one's for you JJ. Lyrics
1. you had a big heart that bloomed like a flower you had a smooth voice that sailed like a ship you had a strong spine built like a tower you had a sweet smile just like a kids CHORUS ever yours, ever mine you taught me how to wait until the scar turns to a shine ever green, ever blue the color of my eyes now that they won't be seeing you 2. i had a hard time when you caught that fever i had a long cry alone in my car i had this pipe dream you'd live forever i got this feeling you did not go far CHORUS ever mine, ever yours our souls outlast the dusty bones of death and dinosaurs ever long, evermore on a scale of one to ten, my friend, i miss you 94 Hey friends - if you're digging the new album and want to get the lowdown behind each track, head on over to Global Texan Chronicles for the exclusive Track by Track feature.
Here's another songwriting book club creation, inspired by The Magic Strings of Frankie Presto by Mitch Albom. I was immediately taken by the fact that the narrative unfolded largely through the telling of stories at the main character's funeral. I started thinking about mom's recent death and how people I hardly know have reached out to me with little stories about the kind of imprint she left on their lives. I thought about my own funeral and how I hope to live in a way where people might have nice things to say or funny stories to tell at my funeral. Kind of morbid stuff, but it's a good way for us all to think about the stamp we want to leave on the world. Lyrics:
Everyone’s wearing black Everyone looks so sad Everyone can be seated now Everyone ends up dead Everyone bow your heads Everyone remember CHORUS Was there a time or two or three she had you laughing Was she with you giving tissues when you cried Was she the kind of kind worth photographing in your mind? Did she give you a good story for the day she died? Everyone goes to bed Everyone ends up dead Everyone will live another day Everyone still misses Everyone reminisces Everyone has something to say CHORUS Was there a time or two or three she had you laughing Was there a moment you just had to memorize Was she the kind of kind worth photographing in your mind? Did she give you a good story for the day she died? This song is coming from a place where the character of the lover is not played by Audrie, but rather the dream I chase. That dreanever lies to me; in fact, it is always reminding me just how unattainable it is. And even if I beat the odds and found my way to this dream, it reminds me what I might have to sacrifice just to be in its presence. Sometimes you just need the dream to shut up and lie to you so you can feel better about all the time you've spent and will continue to spend trying to catch it against all better judgement. LYRICS
1. When I'm naked as the truth and I'm lying next to you I don't want your honor or your honesty I don't need a crystal ball, in fact I don't need facts at all When the night falls please uphold my policy CHORUS Don't want to hear your bad news Darling spare me your goodbyes I hate the sound of your hard truth So lay me down in your soft lies Take your finest fabrications and spread 'em Corner to corner across my bed and Tomorrow we can rise from it But tonight won't you lie in it with me 2. I can see your proof of burden staring at me, oh god it's hurting to feel doubt about the one I love the most And I know seeing is believing so let's just shut the blinds this evening And feel our way around this room with our eyes closed CHORUS One of the lingering feelings surrounding my mom's death is guilt. In my better days, I know I did my best. On my not-so-great days, I am destroyed by all the things I could have done better. Guilt is not a productive emotion...it's just a reminder of what a shitty person you are with no gentle, redeeming reminder of how to be better. This is my first attempt at telling grief to fuck off. LYRICS:
1. you really got ahold on me ooh, you sink your teeth are you ever gonna give me relief or do i gotta pry myself free CHORUS you're wearing out your welcome i don't pretend to know where you really belong i'm sorry for giving you the wrong impression but guilt get gone 2. you really set a still steel trap you and i go way way way back are you ever gonna lift that latch don't you know i got a life to catch CHORUS |
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